A Welcome Trespasser

Decimation.

De. Ci. Ma. Tion.

Even in my sleep, my chest constricts at the mere thought of the word, and a renewed restlessness seeps into me despite my body’s desire to remain sedated.

Decimation. Decimation. Decimation. Decimation. Decimation…

The familiar voice whispers it to me again and again, saying the unforgettable word over and over, taunting me with his persistence.

His eyes plead even as the rest of his face feigns resolve, unable to truly hide the weight of our circumstance.

I’m so sorry…

Yet, no matter how many times I say it, it’s not enough.

It will never be enough.

My chest burns at the memory, feeling impossibly tight as the air rushes from my lungs. He continues to look at me in silence; the despair behind his eyes haunting, begging for mercy.

Mercy I’d been unable to show.

Mercy I’d been unable to give.

Because I was a coward.